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Kevin

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they'll know youre mine by the fingerprints on your throat... [28 Jul 2002|01:32am]
[ mood | broken ]

i'm in a very angry/lonely/depressed/writing all of the time kind of thing going on it sucks i haven't written in the longest tiem and i know i feel like i want to do it all the time.
i wrote this like this earlier today...


your body looks so good twisting and flailing like that // gagged and bound in electrical tape // your muffled cries are so fucking beautiful // i always thought you had a beautiful voice // so what do you think // is this good enough for you // am i doing the right thing for once // so set on your face // that gag is a good shade for you // this is so tragic // it’s all tragedy your face // fuck it too fast i pull the trigger // we have matching holes in our hearts now

30 comments|post comment

you living is a waste of perfectly healthy heart... [24 Jul 2002|02:07am]
[ mood | broken ]

i haven't posted on this thing in so fucking long i forgot i had it but i dunno i haven't written anything in the longest time so please don't be too hard i wrote this just now i just finished and then i remembered about my journal so i figured what the fuck right .

i didn't name it
it’s fucking done just like that // gone like a bullet out of the barrel // right through your fucking head // when every one asks // you can tell them i pulled the trigger // it’s the end of nothing // cos that’s all it ever was to you // the stars i’ve wished on are hanging too low // but they reflect nicely // on the pool of blood at my feet // face down on the pavement // hair matted with blood // you look fucking good tonight // i got one more bullet left // i’ll put right where you would // and i’m fucking done just like that // gone like a bullet out a barrel // right through my fucking head


thats fucking it

3 comments|post comment

end me.. [20 Dec 2001|07:48pm]
i wish i had a gun
9 comments|post comment

constants aren't so constant anymore... [19 Dec 2001|03:15pm]
[ mood | broken ]

today in school we got the paper on what we want for the prom. i almost cried Rachel told me she wanted to go the all of the Proms together her being a year below me so that would make four. i miss her

4 comments|post comment

giving up on hope, living without love... [19 Nov 2001|10:10pm]
[ mood | Broken ]

i don't know what to say anymore. why is that people look for this all of their life. why are they looking to get hurt. on the way to find the "right one" what if there is no right one. and the person is destined to lead a life full of heartbreak. i just can't stop thinking about the first time we met. i can't stop thinking about the first picture of us that was taken. i remember it so clearly. we were sitting on sam's living room floor. we had a blanket on. i had my arms wrapped around her and we were staring into the camera. i was giving the metal sign. oh my god and and like 18 people were cramped into a small room and we managed to sleep right next to eachother. holding her as close as possible. it was probably one of the most umcomfortable experiences of my life but probably the best moment of it. i remember when we saw the juliana theory together. why can't she just feel like she did before. i know i missed my chance but i just want another one. i can't stop thinking about every moment we spent together. we i got grounded for sleeping over your cousins house in dracut. we stayed up till like one oclock wathcing original disney movies "Miracle in Lane Two" and "Zenon the Zequel" i miss that so much. my arm hurts. i wish i didn't do that but i can't take it back the blood is still there. my broken heart is in Rachel's hands. tears still flwo from my eyes. last night i listend to "Love Me Tender" a stuffed animal that Rachel gave me plays it and i cried all night long.

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giving up on hope, living without love... [19 Nov 2001|10:10pm]
[ mood | Broken ]

i don't know what to say anymore. why is that people look for this all of their life. why are they looking to get hurt. on the way to find the "right one" what if there is no right one. and the person is destined to lead a life full of heartbreak. i just can't stop thinking about the first time we met. i can't stop thinking about the first picture of us that was taken. i remember it so clearly. we were sitting on sam's living room floor. we had a blanket on. i had my arms wrapped around her and we were staring into the camera. i was giving the metal sign. oh my god and and like 18 people were cramped into a small room and we managed to sleep right next to eachother. holding her as close as possible. it was probably one of the most umcomfortable experiences of my life but probably the best moment of it. i remember when we saw the juliana theory together. why can't she just feel like she did before. i know i missed my chance but i just want another one. i can't stop thinking about every moment we spent together. we i got grounded for sleeping over your cousins house in dracut. we stayed up till like one oclock wathcing original disney movies "Miracle in Lane Two" and "Zenon the Zequel" i miss that so much. my arm hurts. i wish i didn't do that but i can't take it back the blood is still there. my broken heart is in Rachel's hands. tears still flwo from my eyes. last night i listend to "Love Me Tender" a stuffed animal that Rachel gave me plays it and i cried all night long.

7 comments|post comment

i swear this song was written about me [18 Nov 2001|06:51pm]
[ mood | broken ]

.....watching the days burn out like a cigarette just a few drags to go you built me up and you broke me down somehow everything just seemed so clear to me nothing left to know i'll love you right and i'll love you pure right now how can you say that it's too late to save us now and i would wait for you if you would wait for me i will wait for you if you will wait for me intoxicated the edges serated so easily torn from the core i blush the first time but you blush the last time my eyes hit your mind regenerated these feelings of hatred i long for your love ever more you built me up and you broke me down this time and i would wait for you if you would wait for me and i will wait for you if you will wait for me how can you say that it's to late to save us now.....


i stay up every night and think of you..i miss her

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watching the days burn out like a cigarette, just a few drags to go [17 Nov 2001|08:50pm]
[ mood | broken ]

i saw saves the day and thursday last night it was quite awesome. i've never seen anything quite so amazing. chris busted out his acoustic guitar. it made me want to cry. i thought of rachel all last night. i miss her so fucking much and life hurts when every single minute is goes by like an hour. i sat in my room for three hours today staring at one picture of me and her. it was me and her laying on my bend and we took a picture of ourselves. how could anything that looked so perfect ever go wrong. i just want one more chance. just another time when i can watch her breathe as she sleeps. just another time i can see that beautiful smile on her face as she says i love you kevin. just another time where we can lie together for hours. where we can lose ourselves in each others eyes. her eyes. indescribable. they were so perfect. sometimes when i lie in my bed. i think real hard and i can almost feel her hand running through my hair and i can almost feel her breathing on my neck and i can almost hear her whisper i love you and goodnight in my ear.

3 comments|post comment

could i end my life with a knife sharpened of problems... [14 Nov 2001|09:01pm]
[ mood | broken ]

i remember the first time i saw her. she asked me for a hug and ill never forget the way she smelled. i kinda looked into her eyes and then i knew. oh my god my heart fell through the floor. i was like already in love. i remember that time we stayed after school. she had me against the brick wall and i tasted our first kiss. the texture of her tongue the warmth of her lips oh my god my heart fell through the floor. i remember that time we slept over at sams it was the first time i held her through the night everything in the my life was so perfect. i wonder if she remembers the times we fell asleep on my bed watching movies. i remember every moment with her. i even remember listening to the song of the dial as she hung up on me. i god i miss her i just want to be with her.






by kevin

im trying to look through // this old photo album // im trying to see past the pictures // into your eyes into my heaven // and i miss it so much // and i want it back // im setting this book on fire // i want to make new memories // i want my calender to read december 11th for the rest of my life // maybe i could fix things if i tried hard enough // if i screamed at myself forever // if heard my own voice // if i felt the blood // drippin from my eyes // if i felt anything at all // i stay up late at night and wonder // why am i breathin // why is it i am awake // i want to be in my bed // covered in walls // covered in black // my eyes shut tight my lungs not breathing //

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and the hardest thing i do, is wake up with you... [13 Nov 2001|10:05pm]
[ mood | broken ]

when everything falls aparts, the emptiness leaves a mark. i am completely empty right now. there is nothing in my soul except tears and blood. i think that is what my body is now composed of tears blood and pain. pure pain like nothing that any words could ever explain. i just want everything to be the way it was. when i was happy when i could wear a smile on my face and not fake it. have you ever noticed that pain eats at you and tears you aprat and you cannot kill it. it fucking sucks. you might try with drugs and beer and fucking other kinda crap but no matter what you canno get rid of it. fuck everything

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your razors, my wrist....my tears, your kiss [12 Nov 2001|08:51pm]
[ mood | broken ]

nothing will eve be the same again. everything ended on june 12th, 2001. i cried for so long. i miss her so much. i just want her back. i want her to be in my arms from now until forever. i wanna spend every waking and sleeping minute with her. i love her so much

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why do your eyes paralyze me.... [11 Nov 2001|09:23pm]
[ mood | broken ]

i'm so fucking confused.. i just want to taste lead on my lips. it would be over in a heartbeat and i would have to hear that incessant sound anymore. i'm so sick of being sad i can't stand it anymore i gotta end this. next friday i'm going to see saves the day and then sunday i'm seeing them again that is gonna be cool.


beyond the ground
by kevin

waking every morning // hitting my alarm // it never ends // walking through the streets // tears streaming down my face // mixed with the rain // i cant tell which is which // seeing your face but you not here // and everythings fallin apart // this isnt the way i thought // why does it have to come to this // i guess i could write song after song // i could say theyre all about you // i could tell you i wanna spend every skyline with you // i could tell you that every dream of you // is never coming true // and every thought of you will stay like that // just something that exists in my head // at night it crawls under my sheets to torture me //

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i don't want to feel this way forever.... [08 Nov 2001|09:32pm]
[ mood | broken ]

yeah so everything is wicked...*thumbs down* yeah everything sucks as usual. i hate alot of things including myslef. i do stuff that i promised myself i wouldn't do. i feel like i have no self control anymore it sucks.. here is some new writing

shades of blue
by kevin

looks like im at it again // another song about how she doesnt look at me // looks like this is all thats left for me // nights full of forever // and days when the wind blows too hard // these feelings i have i cant explain // but maybe my eyes can // ill leave them on your door step // after i pull them out with my hands // i can give you my life if you want // youd rather dig out my insides with your eyes // at night i sneak to house // ouside your window i stare and watch // you breathe so soft // my heart beats, breaks the glass and you wake up // i run away and hide my face // the next night i do it again // i reach in through your broken window // and whisper in your ear // as i come back to the ground // i slice my wrist on a piece of glass // and i lie in your yard forever

5 comments|post comment

for a second there i thought i was fine... [10 Oct 2001|10:26pm]
[ mood | broken ]

I wish someone would just shoot me or like light me on fire and blow me up or something please

by kevin
i stood and stared at the flame // it stared right back at me // im covered in gas // im wondering if i should drop the match // i cant breathe thinking of the great things you wont say // youre so great kevin // i love you so much // the girl i never got to know // the girl that i let get away // maybe someday you can come // and knock on my door or just give me a call // say hey kevin how are you // i met this really cool kid he is nothing like you // im so happy

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a broken trust severed us [01 Sep 2001|05:55pm]
[ mood | blank ]

rachel i do love you so much i just wish i showed it more and you could still be mine but you hurt me so bad

by kevin
tonight the world is gonna end // cos you keep telling me you wont be my friend // im not sure how im gonna do it yet // but with any luck youll die real slow // and youll loosen the grip on my heart // so i can have it back // can i have it back // oh please please give it back // im begging you // youve have it for way too long // i thinks it is my turn // ive got a pocketful of stars // and im placing them apart // so i can watch them burn bright // and then the earth will catch on fire // and ill stand from the moon, watch the inferno and laugh // as you slowly burn // with all your bitterness // held inside of you // and i wake up day after day // dream after dream // wishing you were dead // ive never wanted to kill some one // till the day you broke my heart // i dont get to wake up to you anymore // its not fiar that you get to smile // and i get to cry // i get to cry // tears burning so bad i cant see // maybe you would love me // if i broke your hear

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shakin like a dog shittin razor blades [31 Aug 2001|11:04pm]
[ mood | okay ]

HOLY FUCK, i haven't even lookjed at this thing in like forever. oh well rachel sucks. ha she is such a different person now it pisses me off. i miss who she was oh well. i wish i could take backe everything i said to her. "remember when i said i love you, well forget it i take it back i was just a stupid kid back then i take back every word that i said"

3 comments|post comment

it's not like you don't know i've fallen for you [09 Aug 2001|01:05am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

today i actually got to sleep for like fifteen minutes and i got some sleep and i had a wonderful dream. i found that by sticking my arms out and moving them up and down i could suspend myself above the ground. and the harder i flapped the more i rose. and i realized i was flying i soared real close to the ground and shot by the playground where i used to enjoy countless hours of playtime and little kids ran along under me. and i soared to the highest cloud and shot down again. and then my alarm clock went off telling i was late for work and when i got there i got a lecture from my manager and i forgot money for my lunch. do wednesdays get any worse? yeah they do cos i got to talk to Alla today she is so amazingly great. i love talking to her. she is so awesome. she makes me just feel really good.

2 comments|post comment

words of wisdom [05 Aug 2001|09:58pm]
[ mood | broken ]

'i've decide to stop caring about things. if you care, you just get disappointed ALL THE TIME. if you DON'T care, nothing matters, so you're never upset. from now on my rallying cry is, "SO WHAT?!"'

FUCK LIFE

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and standing on the edge, he looks back... [01 Aug 2001|09:49pm]
[ mood | broken ]

i wish i would just like not care about anything anymore. what is left for me? the way i see it is nothing. nothing. it is funny how happy of a person i used to be. i used to not have a care. all i ever thought about was how happy she made me and how good i felt. sometimes i used to stay up and wonder what would life be without here and the second i thought of that i would get really scared adn feel really sick and then i couldn't sleep. and now that i've lost her. the pain is just so overwhelming. i can't really stand it. i guess i do a good job hiding at most times but some times i just break down and start crying. it feels like this all of the time. it feels like some one taking knives and just slowy cutting them into my flesh. but then i think why can't some one be doing that? why can't someone take my life away. it pretty much is already gone. all i have left is a souless body with a beating heart. my life used to like covered in just complete happiniess and truthfully i took it for granted and that is my biggest regret. i think i'm gonna find a cliff to jump off. and end this. i wonder what my last thoughts will be right before i hit the pavement. i know what it will be, Rachel, it always is that is what is always in my head.

10 comments|post comment

help unchain this memory.... [31 Jul 2001|01:09pm]
[ mood | broken ]

ok i haven't updated in awhile and i can't really remember much, except this excruciating pain that still dwells inside. friday i can't remember what i did so i can't really talk about it. and saturday i had to work at fucking 6am to 2 pm and at work Jake called and told me we were going to see NFG and Blink at suffolk and i was like ok atleast i'll have someting to do. and then i realized rachel was going to be there. and i was like fuck so anywasy the first band was nothing to you know go in the pit or anything so i was walking around and then NFG played. i went in the pit for that and got wicked sweaty and dirty cos dirt wsa getting kicked up and it was wicked cool you know cos i love spitting straight black. *note sarcasm* and then i was walking around after NFG and and i saw Rachel and we hugged and then during the whole blink set she was in my arms. i was wicked happy and then sunday i put in a nice fucking 8 hour day at work and then i wanteds rachel to come over and i found her a ride and she stayed at my house from 8 to nine thirty. i would do anything to see her for like a half hour. i know that is lame but i can't stop thinking about her ever. and when i drove her home i saw Jake and eddie and shannon and they wee gonna go down to dudley road awere the nun hung herself. so i went and i got out and touched the tree and jake turned his lights off and it kinda scared me. and then we went home and it life sucked cos i got a wicked cool email from rahcel sayint that she can't hang out with me anymore. yeah so i'm ready to inhale carbon minoxide. i really just have to get over this. i'm not even going to try calling her anymore. i know i can do this. but it is even cooler that my 'best friend' is being really lame making plans the day we made plans and just to get out of work i'm working a double shift on thursday. anyways the other day i was sitting in my room and i random;ly got up and just started writing this song down and i didn't stop writing and my pencil broke and i just grabbed a pen and it was wicked wierd. i copied it into my computer and here it is, oh i don't know what to name it so if you have any suggestions...


by kevin

just tell me we can watch this sunset // cos i know we wont watch it rise // why is
everything always falling apart for me // nothing ever gets back up // just tell me when the
carnival comes // youll go on all the rides // and when i drive you home // you will say
good night // just tell me what you want me to do // dig my heart out with a knife // only
for the promise youll keep it // id steal a big screen tv // so we can watch dirty dancing
over and over // im gunna hijack a plane and fly to your house // we could take a trip to
sweet paris // and take our picture in front of the eiffel tower // or i could stick this pencil
in my neck // and id hit the jugular and die right here // just tell me to leave you alone //
ill go jump off a 300 foot cliff // you can paint this town red with buckets of my blood //
you can take a can of gasoline // pour it all over my body // light a match and watch me
burn // sit in my room watching nick at nite reruns // id walk across town without my
shoes // my feet will be covered in blood // ill drag myself where you cant hurt me // cos
tomorrow will just be another day that i am let down //

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